Dealing with Christmas
Salaam all,
That time of the year is approaching again that I dread every year, Christmas and never know how to deal with it.
I have tried last year suggesting going only in the evening to which my mother ended up in tears and couldn't understand what religion would prevent their daughter from having a meal with their family. My family don't celebrate the religious aspect of Christmas it is just a meal for all the family to get together on a holiday we are all off and exchange gifts. In the end last year I went and alhamdulillah relations with my family seem to have improved.
I understand different reverts have different experiences when it comes to Christmas with their families, some parents are more understanding and respectful of their wishes then others.
I would really appreciate any advice or sharing of experiences from other reverts to understand how to cope with this time of year.
Currently I still go for Christmas dinner and exchange gifts just to keep the family happy and keep the peace.
Looking forward to your advice as there are differences of opinions of this when you look up fatwas on this on www.islam-qa.com or www.islamonline.net
There is also the issue of alcohol when going for meals to my parents house for a meal or Christmas dinner. My father loves a drink with every meal and can be pretty hot tempered. I just feel that asking him not to drink alcohol in his own house is likely to set him off and don't want to cause arguements.
In addition to that there is the food issue of your food being cooked alongside the food that isn't halal in the same oven.
So many thing to think about and much easier not to go.
How do you all deal with these issues. I am looking for advice in how you have all managed to cope with this time of year.
Jazak'Allah khairun
Another response from Sheikh Ahmad Kutty:
Dear scholars, As-salamu `alaykum. I became Muslim 3 years ago Al-hamdu lillah. I am married now and have a one-year-old baby girl. My parents are Catholics. My question is that Xmas (Christmas) is around the corner now. I really need your advice about visiting my parents for Xmas. My parents have been good so far about me being Muslim. It was hard at the beginning. Can you please get back to me in this regard?
Dear sister in Islam, we are greatly impressed by your question, for it’s related to the affairs of the new Muslims. We seize the chance to earnestly implore Allah from the depths of our hearts to lead all perplexed men and women to the light of Islam, the true religion of Allah. We welcome all our new Muslim brothers and sisters to the fold of Islam.
Islam is all for treating our parents, relatives, and friends compassionately. As a Muslimah, it is your duty to be most gentle and kind to your parents. You are allowed to participate in the festivities of Christmas or holiday seasons on the condition that you abstain from specific religious rituals associated with them, if any.
In his response to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto,Ontario, Canada, states:
I commend you for your zeal to practice your religion while keeping good relations with your parents. Islam is all about keeping good relations and being kind and helpful to your parents. The fact that they are not Muslims should not prevent you or inhibit your visiting them and staying with them and being charitable and kind towards them. Allah says in the Qur’an, (And We have recommended to man his parents; his mother bore him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning was in two years. Thank Me and your two parents. To Me is the return. But if they try to force you to associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not. Keep their company with kindness in this world, and follow the path of him who turns to Me. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you did) (Luqman 31: 14-15).Based on this, you ought to be kind to your parents, regardless of your religious differences with them. While doing so, however, you must never compromise the principles of your own religion.
Now coming to the issue of Christmas, you are allowed to visit your parents, exchange gifts and partake in their feasts, as long as you stay away from their specific religious observances. For as it should be obvious to you that as Muslims we do not believe in the specific Christian dogmas of the divinity of Jesus or the concept of Original Sin. However, this does not mean that you cannot wish them happiness on such occasions; you are certainly allowed to do so, provided you do not compromise your specific beliefs in this matter, and provided you are clear in your own mind about the issue that you are simply wishing them happiness and reciprocating kindness with kindness. Islam teaches us that we must, at all times, reciprocate kindness with kindness and treat all people with fairness and compassion; we are allowed to harbor enmity only towards those who are hostile and aggressive towards us.
Before concluding, let me also point out an important fact: Islam spread, insofar as it has spread throughout the five continents, not through the sword, but primarily because of the tolerance, fairness, mercy, and compassion manifested by those who claimed to be Muslims. After all, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) as has been stated clearly in the Qur’an, was sent by Allah
(as a mercy for the worlds) (Al-Anbiya’ 21: 107). So I advise you to remain steadfast in your practice of Islam, while being tolerant and compassionate towards your parents, kith and kin, neighbors, Muslims, fellow human beings as well as fellow creatures of Allah.
Excerpted, with slight modifications
Salaam,
Jazak'Allah khairun for this helpful advice and for taking the time to look into this for me. I really appreciate this. I had also read the first posting by Dr. Jamal Badawi and Sheikh Ahmed Kutty but I feel more reassured that you have also seen these postings and this website and checked it over with your imam, as it can be confusing to know which scholar websites to look at for advice.
Can I ask is this website, generally a good one to look at for fatwa?
I agree it is difficult for some scholars who don't live in this country to understand our circumstances and quite often we can end up upsetting our families even more if we follow the advice we are given. We are the best people to determine how our own families are likely to react.
Would you mind giving me some advice on whether if my family were to cook my halal food or vegetarian food in the same oven at the same time as their pork or haram food, is this going to be a problem if it is on separate trays/dishes? My auntie is going to so much effort to try to ensure there is something we can eat and she only has one big wood burning stove. Actually quite often when I go to my parents they cook my food on a separate tray in their fan assisted oven at the same time as their food which is haram for me.
Jazak'Allah khairun I really appreciate hearing from a fellow revert who understands.
Sara
Assalamu alaikum sister. Glad you found the info useful.
Islamonline is an ok website, although I tend to refer more to a mix of IslamQA.com and Sunnipath.
Sunnipath is an excellent resource and also offers several courses in knowledge. They offer some free courses to new Muslims if this is of interest? I particularly like this site as it gives answers from both Hanafi and Shafi'i schools of thought - bearing in mind that majority of Imams you meet in the UK are from a Hanafi background, this is good in terms of consistency - although other points of view are always useful
With regard to cooking food in the same oven etc, I'm not an expert or scholar, but I'm really careful with halal and haraam. The Prophet pbuh said "What is halal is clear and what is haraam is clear, and in between are doubtful matters about which not many people know" - he continues in the hadith to explain that the person who is striving for Allah swt should guard himself by keeping away from doubtful matters to protect himself from perhaps falling into haraam unintentionally. I tend to leave any food which has been in the vicinity of haraam food and where there is any risk at all of 'cross contamination' if you know what I mean. In the oven, although they are in different dishes etc, there is always a risk of spillage or steam etc, and to me I wouldn't want to eat food like that. Perhaps there is another way round it? For example of there was no chance of 'cross-contamination' it would prob be ok. The Prophet pbuh and his companions did eat with non-muslims on occasion and did not delve too deeply into the status of the food
When the Prophet pbuh was asked about using the same cooking vessels as the non muslims, he advised to wash tme then use them - which would suggest that the two should be kept seperate. However, as I said, I'm not a scholar - I'll check with one of the local scholars and come back to you insha'Allah.
Hope this helps insha'Allah
Salaam,
Jazak'Allah khairun for taking the time to look into this for me and for your help.
This year alhamdulillah I have managed to agree to going in the evening only.
Then I came up against another hurdle my mum's 60th birthday meal and she wants to go out for a meal with her children to a certain place that is what she really wants. I have asked if she can ask for a separate table next to hers for my husband and I (a non-alcohol table). She is going to enquire but can't promise. I will have to enquire with the eating places about alcohol in food and preparation of vegetarian or fish dishes if prepared in same oven etc. I never used to think about these things, but Allah opens your eyes to more and more things.
Does anyone else not have these issues with their family going for meals? I have to be very gentle with them about things as I am trying to avoid arguements and telling them just a little at a time is enough. I think when someone invites you for a meal and then you say you will bring your own (excluding Christmas meal) just ordinary meal they are likely to get offended. My mum always asks me what I want to eat but as they are on special diets they sometimes eat differently but cooking in the same oven.
I will try the preparing of my own food or ask them to make something we can all have that is permissable such as pasta or something, insh'Allah
Jazak'Allah khairun
Assalamu alaikum
Yes it can be a bit tricky sometimes, which is why we try to find the middle ground where we can. Pasta's not a bad idea actually - perhaps this would be a happy medium as it is boiled in one pot and there are often veggie dishes made from it in most restaurants. I think the table shouldn't be a real problem insha'Allah. The very least you could do would be to discuss with the restaurant as you say and see what they can do.
Insha'allah Allah swt rewards those who safeguard themselves and their deen, and who persevere in their efforts with patients. Your efforts are in fact an act of ibadah insha'Allah because of your intentions to find a mutually agreeable solution so you can maintain your bonds of family whilst safeguarding your islam. The concept of Taqwa is that we protect our deen out of respect for Allah swt, and this shows in our efforts to stay within our boundaries whilst not impacting on others. May Allah swt make it easy for you, and for all of us.
Wasalaam,
Jazak'Allah khair for those wonderful words of wisdom and ameen.
Assalamu alaikum sister - thanks for your post
I have found www.islamqa.com to be an excellent resource for answers to common questions, however they are coming from a point of view which can be a little blunt and without understanding the actual circumstances that the individual finds themselves in. This website mainly reflects Salafi or Hanbali fiqh and is based in Saudi. They have done excellent work mash'Allah, however I have found certain fatawah which do not seem to reflect the reality of living as a new muslim in the western world, probably as the Sheikh (may ALlah swt reward him) does not live in this culture and therefore is not aware of our circumstances. For example, I saw a post where a sister asked for advice about her daughter who was drinking and hanging out with gangs. The Sheikh advised that the mother must do everything in her power to stop the daughter, even to the extent of locking her in the house and restraining her from going out at all! In the UK, this is regarded as false imprisonment, and could have ended up with the mother being charged, which would only have made the situation worse - that opinion would perhaps work in Saudi but not in the UK.
As for Christmas/Family, we actually discussed this in the NTI meeting last night. I found some info from Dr Jamal Badawi and Sheikh Ahmad Kutty on this very subject which I felt was most relevant, and we went over this with Imam Mustaqeem last night. I'll past the info below:
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear questioner, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we earnestly implore Allah to increase your faith and guide you to the straight path.
There is nothing wrong, as far as Islam is concerned, that you share your family’s happiness in Christmas as long as you steer clear of what is prohibited in your religion (such as a table where alcohol or pork is served) and specifically religious rituals.
Responding to the question, Dr. Jamal Badawi, Member of the European Council for Fatwa and Research and the Fiqh Council of North America, states the following:
Moreover, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, adds: