help - struggling and confused

Hi Seeking - I am pleased to hear from you, although concerned for you in relation to your post and your feelings.

 Firstly, please don't worry or fret - if Allah's (swt) intention was to misguide or seal your heart, this website would be the last place on earth you would consider visiting.

 The very fact that you are 'Seeking' is in itself a very good sign, and I can expand on this for you insha'Allah.

We are blessed to have the help of Sheikh AbdulAziz Fredericks, mashAllah. In one of his recent talks, he described those who are sent astray and why their hearts are sealed - and I'd like to use this information that the Sheikh gave us

Firstly, you have to understand the reasons of the 'seal' on the heart. The Prophet (pbuh) advised us that every time we sin, it is as if a black spot appears on the heart of a person. This spot or stain is like rust, in that it corrodes and permeates the heart. The more a person sins, the more the heart is covered and corroded until it is completely black, and the heart is then described as being sealed due to the deliberate wickedness of the person - and this is often visible in the person's outward appearance or manner. Sheikh AbdulAziz gave the example of the man who was recently convicted of the murder of Amelie LeGrange in England, and that he had committed so many other acts - yet he was completely unremorseful, and seemed to be completely emotionally devoid of any consideration of what he had done - because of his wickedness and evil actions, his heart is so black that it is sealed of all mercy, and this type of person has gone far astray.

Out of creation, Allah swt gave the human being free will to choose his own path - something that not even the angels are given. If a person chooses to follow a path away from God, then he will only increase in turning away from God almighty and go further away unless he or she makes that change in direction by trying to become a good person. This is obvious to us, because we all want to be 'good' people and regarded as such, regardless of religious belief - for example, someone who constantly tells lies will become very angry if you call him a liar, even if it is technically true. Likewise, a person who steals is probably not going to be pleased if you calll him a thief to his face, even if it is technicallly true. We all have these almost instinctive desires to follow a good path in life, and if we turn away deliberately from this natural state, we will only increase in the opposite direction unless we turn, or something happens to turn us back.

Allah swt also mentions in Surah al Baqarah:

26. Allah disdains not to use the similitude of things, lowest as well as highest. Those who believe know that it is truth from their Lord; but those who reject Faith say: "What means Allah by this similitude?" By it He causes many to stray, and many He leads into the right path; but He causes not to stray, except those who forsake (the path),-  

 Now, to me, as I mentioned beforehand, from what you have said and from your interest in Islam and pleasing God almighty, I do not think you are astray, insha'Allah, but are in fact trying to 'tune in' your instinctive desire to be in harmony with your creator and Lord - which would in fact, God willing, put you into the first category of people mentioned in the verses of Quran from Surah An'aam which you quoted above.

In an authentic reported statement of the Prophet Muhammad, may Peace be Upon Him, he said that if a person walks towards Allah almighty, then Allah almighty runs towards that person. If we go a certain distance towards Allah almighty, then he comes far more than that distance towards us.

The thing to remember is that Rome was not built in a day - the first 10 years or so of the Prophet's (pbuh) mission was spent on La Ilaha Il Allah, Muhammad ur Rasoolullah - bringing people onto the belief and worship of the one God - then the other teachings of Islam followed piece by piece, when the people were ready.

These ups and downs in faith are natural, especially in the early stages of your journey, so please be reassured that you are not alone in having felt this way.

I remember once, not long after I became Muslim, I was sitting in a Mosque in Glasgow feeling absolutely miserable as I had nobody to help me whom I could identify with (I did not actually know  any other Muslims at the time). I felt very similar to how you describe your feelings above, that I just wasn't 'getting it' or wasn't good enough to be given the guidance I was after. I sat and prayed my Zuhr prayer, then made a big dua (personal prayer) to Allah swt which pretty much said "I cant do this by myself, I can't find my way and I am failing - I need YOU to help me please!" So I finished my wee prayer and I got up to leave, and as I turned round, I was amazed to see another Scottish guy, who had been sitting behind me patiently waiting for me to finish praying. He was about the same age as me, but had a biiig beard and a hat and seemed much more 'established' than I was at that time. So I just kind of stopped and looked at him, almost in amazement, and he smiled and said to me "Assalamu alaikum - you got time for a wee chat?" I was stunned as Allah swt had answered my dua immediately

So we sat and talked for around 20 minutes, and I felt so uplifted and happy, as I had met someone else who had taken the path I was on before me, and was sitting here in front of me. We didnt talk about any 'heavy duty' stuff but I felt so happy, and we became friends (to this day).

What I learned from this was very important, and is the same for almost every 'seeker' I have met, is that company is very important. When you have some type of company or relationships with other like-minded people, almost automatically this will give co-support and encouragement - after all if you have someone else whom you can relate to, this will give the feeling that you seem to be looking for, for that peace in the heart and having people to share experiences and thoughts with. Good company is especially important when learningstep by step. This is something that our group aims to encourage and facilitate as well by giving even just a weekly meeting point for like minded people.

I guess what I am mainly trying to say is that the guidance comes from Allah swt, and we need to ask Him for his help, and He will not fail us, insha'Allah. We want to help in any way we can, and we are here for you insha'Allah, and all of our guys have felt the same way as you at various times - it will pass insha'Allah and you will be stronger in both character and soul. I hope this helped a wee bit, and I am sorry if I rambled on!

Hi Macmuslim,

Thank you so much for your reply - it is really a great help. It's a relief to know that others have gone through similar and "it's not just me."

I think what you say about having company is so true. Where I live, there is no mosque - I don't even think there are any Muslims! (it is a small town so you tend to know everyone). There is no one readily available to answer such questions or just to talk things over with.

I am determined that now the lighter nights are here I will make it to a circle meeting!

And in the meantime there is the forum. (Which seems much easier to use all of a sudden!)

Thank you so so much for your reply, it really helped.

I know that there is a danger in reading isolated verses out of context but when I found that one it really worried me. thanks again!